ZICO TO TRY PIONEERING OPERATION

Wrultizer forward John “Zico” Carr, out for the rest of the season after an operation to repair his broken ankle went astray, is to undergo bionic surgery of the kind given to the legendary 1970 TV cult hero Steve Austin in the Six Million Dollar Man.

Zico, Wrultizers’ top scorer in 2007, survived the initial two operations last year, but when further damage was discovered, a decision was taken by Wrultizers’ manager Adam Doull to “Rebuild him” using world renown surgeon Dr Richard Steadman.

As well as a new leg and ankle, Zico’s right arm, ginger hair and left eye are to be replaced by “Bionic implants” that will enhance his strength, speed and vision far above the human norms: he will be able to run at speeds of 60 miles per hour (100 km/h), and his eye will have a 20:1 zoom lens and infrared capabilities. John has also requested alloy shin pads grafted to his shin bones as well as a banging turbo baseline sound system inserted into the checks of his A**E.

Steadman, a world-renowned surgeon, who was a consultant for the original show said:

“John Carr, Forward. A man barely alive, Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man. John Carr will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster.”

Injury prone former Tizer Jamie Manson is being lined up for the same treatment, however it has been noted that technology can only go so far.